Monday, July 10, 2006

Invasion of Columbus – Part III

My last tirade ended with my promise to elucidate on my comments concerning my wife being flustered about forgetting to buy the bread and a story about the lunch meat. This addition is my attempt to fulfill that promise. So…we were both mad when she returned to the car after an hour of my waiting with only half the items (2) that was on her meager list! I fairly screamed at her, “What took you so long and where’s the Friggin bread and lunchmeat?” Her reply was something like, “Oh Crap, I forgot the bread, but I was just about to get the pack of bologna when I was shoved aside by three Somali women who then proceeded to put all the bologna into their carts. I told them ‘Excuse me, but I was here first and could you please let me have just the one package I need?’ They looked at me and then of the two giggled and pointed at me and the third started jabbering on her cell phone. When they left I asked the manager if there was any bologna left not on display, but he was Somali and had to wait until the store’s only bi-lingual employee came into work to translate, so I had to wait fifteen minutes to be told ‘no’. I had gathered the other three items, including the bread, but when the bi-lingual worker said ‘no’, I threw the bread at the manager. I guess I forgot to get another.”
I started to feel sorry for her, but dammit, it had still taken 45 minutes to purchase the other two items on the list, so I asked in a little more tolerant tone, “Okay, but tell me way it took so long to get the other two items!” “Well, I figured I’d use the express, cash only lane. I didn’t want to bump into those Somali broads again and they had way too much stuff to use the express lane. Besides, there was only one other lane open anyway and its line ran to the back of the store. Imagine my shock when, just as I was starting to unload my small basket, I was rudely jostled out of the line by those very same Somali women. They each had a cart that was almost over flowing! I was livid! I started to scream, rant and rave while pointing to the sign declaring that the Express lane was limited to 10 items or less. The same two women pointed and me and started giggling and the third one started frantically speed dialing her cell phone again. I then changed my tactics by pointing at the Express lane sign; then pointing at their overflowing baskets and demanded that the cashier throw them out of the line! She looked at me as if I had just asked her to sell her entire family into bondage and then answered her ringing cell phone. After garbling, she looked at me; pointed to the sign; then pointed to the 3 carts of food and motioned that they were seven under the limit! She then pointed to the other checkout lane indicating I could use that one. Unfortunately, the bi-lingual employee was on a break and could not be found, so I went to back of the other lane.”
I took her in my arms; kissed her gently upon her cheeks and told her, “There there now, sweetheart, I still love you.” It did not good; I still did not get laid,