Monday, October 25, 2010

Monday Attitude Adjustment Story

Al “Boris” Morris
As I mentioned in my previous MAAS’s, I need to take time to pay homage to a truly great, late comic genius…Al Morris. I met Al my first day working at Signetics [a wholly subsidiary of NV Philips which has since been re-named to Philips Signetics division] in California. You see Al was in charge of communications and on my first day, that meant that he had to install my telephone service. Of course the telephones required their own training session as well as handbooks…ah those were the days. You see back then, Al was a one-man division and I really think he liked it that way. This week will be a short MAAS as I will confine this story to how Al received the “Boris” nickname. Back in those days, 1984, Sylvia and I both liked to party and Signetics was, if nothing else, the most partying company I had ever worked for [and to this day, it retains the partying king title]. Before I became a manager and held my “Staff Meetings” at the Moria Inn on Friday afternoons, we had Friday gatherings always centered around happy hours at rotating bars in the area. The only qualifications were that the joint had to have a dance floor; free food; cheap drinks and could not be the same watering hole we had visited the previous Friday.

Our first occasion to attend one of these functions [Sylvia would always go with me] was in the Double Tree lounge located at the hotel of the same name in San Jose. I was sitting with Al waiting for a slow song to play because I knew no matter what was playing; Sylvia would never leave the dance floor. She had a habit, in those days, of wearing out dancing partners and the guys I worked with were no exception. After about six straight fast songs, the idiot who was playing the music played another blistering, allegro composition and Al asked why I didn’t go out on the floor and dance with my wife. I replied because I was too fond of living and she was a woman who only knew one phrase when it came to dancing and sex…”Do ‘gain daddy?” He laughed and asked if I would sanction his gyrating with my spouse. I shrugged and told him to be my guest but don’t come crying to me when she wears you out. If they play a slow one [I made a mental notation to myself at this point, “Self…never attend a Happy Hour at the Double Tree again”] I will have to cut in on you. He eagerly agreed and quickly bounced out to the dance floor and offered to cut a rug with Dancezilla, much to the relief of all the other potential partners who were sheepishly attempting to escape the gaze of this Dancing Queen.

After a couple of long dances I could see the sweat flowing freely from AL’s furrowed brow as he shot a pleading glance towards me. I laughingly replied “no way Jose” by merely shaking my head. After the next frenzied dance had begun, a shapely, buxom beauty sat down at my table and asked if I would care for a drink. Thinking it must be California’s version of Sadie Hawkins day, I didn’t pay much attention to her and [due to the loud strains of the next piece of music] I just pointed to my nearly full bottle of beer and shook my head no. Turning my attention back to the dance floor believing the issue had been resolved, I felt something lightly caress my arm and turned to see her mouth almost touching me utter “Hi I’m Amber, would you like to F**k?” as she leaned over the table spilling her ample, non-confined breasts all over its slick, shiny surface. Thinking fast I conjured up my best Russian accent and said, “Sadly I not can because Natasha, spouse to me…” and at this juncture I paused, pointed to my wedding ring and then continued “operative number two is upon floor dance now with Boris, operative number one. If even she suspect talking with me, your life I would be afraid for.” This Bimbo was not too discerning as after she recoiled back from my warning and removed her clutching claws, she stared at the dance floor and asked, “Which one is Boris?” Thank my lucky stars the next record was a slow song as I hopped up and muttered “You excuse please, I must now go to dance”, and as the shepherd was known for saying, “I got the flock out of there”.

Al was already returning to the table when he spotted the wench and as I began dancing with my wife I answered his quizzical, head-cocked non-verbal question with, “Her name is Amber; Sylvia is Natasha and you are Boris. And if she should ask my name tell her I’m Ican Snatchyourtitisoff. We are all Soviet operatives so speak accordingly in accent.” Al broke out in a big, shit-eating grin, sauntered over to the table and whispered something into her ear. She leaned back shaking her head “no” and then, leaning forward again, whispered something into his ear. I thought he was going to dump our table over; glasses, ashtrays, bottles and all when he flew to his feet. The two locked arms and as they were exiting the bar he looked back at me and winked. The rest of the night went uneventful for an hour or so when Al returned in a huff, plopped down and admonishingly stated, “You set me up with a hooker!” I replied that I was pretty sure she was, didn’t he see it? Ignoring my question he continued, “She wanted to charge me $50.00 after I paid for the damn room too!” Laughing, I asked if he paid the $50.00 and he answered, “Boris could do nothing else!” We both laughed and then he added, “My only complaint is now I can’t afford lunch for the next week!” Slipping into character I told him, “Is not for you to worry my friend, Natasha make extra big pot borscht for you for to eat with us …” Naturally, my next FAAS was about this incident and Al “Boris” Morris and the name stuck.

Next week's 11-01-2010 (#164) title: TBD

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The answer is not term limits

The problem with our government today is the money involved; Congressional salaries, pensions, perks, health care etc. are all benefits that are greedily desired. Money is also amassed and dispensed in massive amounts in attempts to win elections and once “Pot of Gold” offices are secured, no amount of money, time or effort expended in retaining them is considered too great…And there lies the problem. Not only is corruption practically mandated, due to the accumulated power and potential wealth involved, but political coalitions are cobbled together without consideration of the harm these alliances might do to our country. Although term limits would keep greedy people from establishing congressional dynasties, the corrupting influences of power and monetary gains eventually perverts even the most chaste, idealistic candidate into a grasping, morally bankrupt monster. It has been suggested that junior members of the House and Senate spend most of their time raising campaign funds for their parties…that is their primary duty and if they do not perform, they do not receive monetary backing from their party when it’s their re-election time. How many times have you heard “He/she does not have enough funds to seriously contend for a congressional seat”? This is not the qualification standards our founding fathers had in mind…degree of wealth.

Another strand of this unscrupulous web of political depravity is lobbying firms. These organizations offer money; the promise of future employment and/or special privileges for legislation configured to suit their client’s best interests. Frequently, in order to pay off these “considerations” [besides composing “special interest” bills from scratch], politicians will insert “earmarks” [also known as “pork”] into popular, practically sure to pass, bills which have no logical connection to the proposed legislation, but merely serve as the Quid pro quo remittance to the lobbyists who “bribed” the politicos. Notice I used the term bribed…I know of no other term that can describe the activities defined by lobbying. Senator Obama promised he would put an end to earmarks but when his first major piece of legislation, the Stimulus Package or the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 or the Jobs Bill or whatever the name it is going by now, was passed it contained a whopping 9000 earmarks!

The next piece to this progressively expanding puzzle is the “Campaign Reform” legislation that had been composed in an effort to bestow an aura of legitimacy to current day election financial gathering [no, not “gathering”…amassing] activities. Laws have been written defining “Hard” and “Soft” campaign monies and regulations covering donations of these kinds of finances. Rules have been established concerning amounts for each type of resource that can be donated by a company, individual or entity; how these funds can be distributed and which contributions must be identified, etc. It has also been confirmed that no “Foreign” money, via any kind of contribution, be allowed to be donated to a candidate’s election fund, but this particular regulation is often hard to uphold because of the “Identifying Contribution Ruleswhich allow donations of under $200 to remain anonymous. Additionally, there are too many political money gathering/disbursing entities to successfully monitor, so instead of regulating them (which only causes government expansion) just remove the reason the rules were established…money.

Finally, I’d like to offer my own observations concerning the temptations that are in place that attract undesirable people into government employment today. For my entire childhood and throughout my adult life until now, I kept hearing how little our government employees were being paid and this caused the government to lose quality people to the Business World. The talk was always about how governmental salaries had to be increased to attract and retain qualified personnel. Well, that was all just smoke and mirrors to cover up progressive increases to federal paychecks and congressional perks [free parking, free airplane transportation (and in Nancy Pelosi’s case, even her choice of planes), free gasoline, etc.]. The idea has always been that “don’t worry…congress cannot vote itself a pay increase” but that is not true when you consider the shit-load of career representatives and senators who will be retaining their jobs when these new rates become effective. Let’s not forget to mention the number of administrators required to fill the needs of an ever expanding federal government. Today, as reported in the USA Today March 8, 2010 edition, that the typical government worker is paid 20% more than his counterpart private industry worker. Of course when you add in perks and retirement benefits, the gap is much higher making government work more attractive to a job seeker than any employment in the private sector.

Some questions to be answered before I propose my fixes for this total degradation in our Republic are:
• Why did President Obama, on December 23, 2009, issue an executive order increasing federal civilian employees’ salaries by 2% when SSA recipients were denied a cost of living increase in their payments for 2010 due to no inflation?
• Why are the same salaries being increased in 2011 by 1.4% by the Senate Appropriations Committee when again, SSA recipients, for the same period, are being denied a COLA because there was no inflation?
• Why are former congressmen allowed to work for lobbying firms in any capacity?
• Why are congressmen allowed to work for any organization that profited from their oversight?
• Why are the Congressional, Executive and Judicial branches of our government exempt from so many statutes covering the rest of America?
• How can legal immigrants and illegal aliens who have not made any Social Security payments, ever, collect money from this fund?
• How can non-citizens who have not made any Medicare/Medicaid payments receive free Medical Treatment?
• How can people, who have sworn to uphold the Constitution, blatantly ignore it and go unpunished?
• How can a US city declare itself a “Sanctuary City”, which is not constitutional, and not have the US Attorney General prosecute them but the same Governmental Authorities will sue a state for attempting to ensure its sovereignty from foreign invaders which is its constitutional right?
• Why are groups that demand fiscal responsibility and a return to the Constitution in peaceful demonstrations described as Terrorists while real terrorists are identified merely as criminals?
• How can the same groups that claim peaceful Tea Party members to be radical activists describe Left-wing protesters, who burn cars, buildings and otherwise destroy personal property while violently confronting police, as merely “demonstrating their frustrations”?
• How can the US Government describe 2nd amendment right groups and former military as “Potential Terrorists to watch” when they ignore the real terrorists encroaching on our borders and teaching in our schools?
• How can anyone who ever declared their intent to overthrow our government be allowed to serve in that government?
• How can anyone be named to the post that oversees payment of taxes when they didn’t pay their own taxes for any reason?
• How can anyone in the post that writes tax code not be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law when they don’t pay their own taxes?
• How can Congressional members commit illegal acts, which would result in non-government workers being immediately jailed, get away with no punishment for years or even ever?
I have many more questions but this Blog entry is getting too large so I’ll stop here. Although it looks like I may have strayed off subject, I can point to the “love of money” as the cause for all these problems as well as, but not limited to, totaling dismantling our Constitution by establishing a “World Order”; “saving” our planet by “Going Green” and destroying the United States of America by redistributing our wealth to everyone else. I firmly believe that if we elect people that will attempt to fix the money problem, then term limits will be easy to pass...who would want to fight an attempt to limit the chance to make a career out of a crappy paying job? Okay, here’s the start of my plan to take the “Money” out of our government:
#1 – Reduce all pay scales for all branches of our Federal government (Legislative, Judicial & Executive) to the level of the Social Security Administration’s highest wage. Administer these wages under SSA rules (including COLA). Also apply to all retiree’s.
#2 – Place all Federal jobs under the auspices of the Social Security Administration and dump all undistributed former pension monies into the Social Security fund. Also apply to all retiree’s.
#3 – Replace all government employees’ medical benefits (except for the Military) with Medicare coverage and distribute any monies into the Medicare account. Also apply to all retiree’s.
#4– Eliminate free gasoline, free parking, free transportation and all monetary compensation from any unused allowances pertaining to all Congressional and Executive office employees.
#5– Remove all political contributions of any kind. Political expenditures must be allocated and tracked to the penny. Every major, political party (that is registered and meets rigid qualifications) must be provided the same amount of money per candidate for a position from Federal or State General Political Funds that contain only voluntary, private contributions. After all, who cares where the money comes from if everyone gets an equal share?
#6– Eliminate all earmarks. If a need is so great to consider an earmark, write a bill.
#7– Outlaw all Lobbying functions. Treat any lobbying activities as felony bribery crimes.
If we can elect honorable candidates into the Federal Government, we may be able to implement at least some of my proposed changes and then we will be served by a government that would be interested in making America whole again. Someone would surely suggest term limits, balanced budgets, reduced taxes, reduced expenditures, restoring the Constitution and reducing the immense size of our bloated government.
Remember this Ronald Regan Quote, which is even more valid today:

Monday, October 18, 2010

Monday Attitude Adjustment Story

The beginnings of the MAAS – The trip
Last week I left you at the point of this story where Dan and I had just decided to go with our originally planned route for the journey but changed our start time to one hour earlier at 4:00 AM. That Friday morning, I was in the parking lot by 3:25AM (no one wants to be late for a date with the Director of their organization). Dan and his girlfriend arrived at 4:23 AM; the Director of your organization doesn’t care about being late…for anything with the possible exception of a tee time However, it did make the trip to the airport extremely interesting as I never knew Dan Cone was actually Richard Petty [now I am showing my age…this was the first NASCAR name I thought of and I am not too sure that any of my younger readers will understand the comedic value of this comparison; oh well]. I also discovered that I did have a cast iron stomach as I did not vomit one time, unlike Dan’s poor weak-bellied female companion.

Anyway, we reached the airport and checked in their luggage and got boarding passes. He was the first passenger to check-in and we had to wait 20 minutes for the agents to open the ticket station. I will not detail any more of the activities at the airport because I wouldn’t want to be the cause of teaching anyone new profanity, so suffice it to say I was back in the Signetics parking lot by 5:53 AM. What made me mad was that I had done a lot of work that was required on Friday from home on Thursday evening and could actually not even get to the online system until 7:30 AM, so I had a lot of time to think about…no make that stew over this fiasco…so I wrote a letter thanking each of my co-workers who suggested their particular trip itineraries for their thoughtfulness.

First was Frank “Wrong Way” [last name omitted] who I mentioned was a direct descendant of that old pioneering pathfinder Jonathon Corrigan Nagle(I didn’t say I wouldn’t name their ancestors) who was hired to lead the “Donner Party” into their land of “Milk and Honey”; Oregon. Jonathon was the guide who explained that the more traveled direct route to Oregon, which bypassed the Sierra Madre Mountains, was just too crowded with travelers trekking to California that they would never get to their promised land in time to plant their crops for a good harvest next fall. He suggested the wagon train divert through the Northern Sierra Mountains, which contained the Donner Lake. He insisted that was the only way he had ever gotten to Oregon on time for planting crops and “…besides, Donner Lake provided a wonderful water park-like diversion for weary travelers”. Over the objections of everyone in the traveling party he declared, “I can guarantee that the pass will be clear because the snow won’t fall for three months yet”. He also added that there was no need to carry all the heavy, extra provisions stored in their wagons, in case of a winter stoppage of the Pass, “Dump all that unnecessary, heavy food stuffs you have in your Conestogas so that we will be able to travel faster and re-supply at the “Last Chance [name withheld] Store” located at the other side of the Pass. Of course, all the beasts of burdens glorified this man and raised a statue in his honor even though they were all slaughtered for food because of his bogus promises.

My next message was directed at Todd “The Hunk” [last name omitted] by implying that it was his ancestor, Captain Falkenburg Miller, master of the Famous ship known as “The Flying Dutchman” who had told his crew “Don’t worry about the waters around the Cape of Good Hope; I have an alternate, safer path plotted to get us home” and then, of course, guided his ill-fated frigate across both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans into the nether regions beyond [although being Dutch himself, his grasp of the Dutch language was not too firm and he confusingly assumed “the nether regions” and “The Netherlands” were the same]; never to be seen again except, of course, in low-budget, poorly acted “made for TV” movies. Maybe Captain Miller would not have been retained as Captain of his vessel if the ship’s owners had known that he was also the infamous owner of the “Lost Dutchman’s” gold mine.

Last I thanked Al “Boris” Morris, whose cousin Igor “The Red” Morris had been the navigator for Amelia Earhart on her tragic flight in 1937 when she became a lost legend. A little known unpublicized fact was that Igor was a last minute replacement for regular navigator, Fred Noonan, who was fired after Amelia was duped into believing that Igor Morris had plotted a faster, safer route through the Pacific by way of the Arctic Ocean through the Suez Canal. If she had been aware that his navigational training had been limited to finding his apartment’s bathroom door in the dark [he never paid his electric bills] and his tool kit consisted of a used pad of unlined paper, a metal protractor and a broken, gummy “Peter Rabbit” eraser, I doubt if she would ever have replaced Noonan with him.

I then attached this letter to another memo describing each of the noted luminary’s suggested route to the San Francisco airport; the actual route we took, along with the times involved and then emailed the entire mess to everyone in the CIS department at Signetics…with the post script that I wrote this note because I had so time to kill since, due to the scare these “experts” gave us, we left so F***ing early. Since it was Friday, Al Morris answered my email with the following response: “Enjoyed very much reading your inaugural edition of the Friday Attitude Adjustment Story (FAAS) and am looking forward to next week’s equally exciting edition.” Because Al also copied everyone in MIS on his reply to my email, and almost all seconded his idea, the FAAS was born. Then, when Dan returned from Hawaii and became informed of all the facts, he actually created a new project that I was responsible for which sealed my fate as the official author of the weekly “FAAS”. I even had to select replacement “FAAS” authors whenever I took vacation.

Next week's 10-25-2010 (#164) title: Al “Boris” Morris

Monday, October 11, 2010

Monday Attitude Adjustment Story

The beginnings of the MAAS
Maybe I should pick on myself for a while. I hurt too much from all the abuse I had to take from relatives just because I made them immortal in print…there is no gratitude in the world, ouch, anymore. Damn, I have to be careful typing with my two broken arms. You know, I would never have believed that I could scratch the inside of my left ear with my right hand being leveraged up my back, but I did, once. Anyway, I have to share a story about some of my time in California…why? Well, the certain event I am about o relate to you is considered the official beginning of the Friday Attitude Adjustment Story [FAAS] at Signetics which, as some of you are well aware, lead directly to the current format, the MAAS (which makes more sense to me since more people need their attitudes adjust on Mondays than Fridays). Anyway the incident started with The Director of MIS at Signetics in California, Dan Cone, going to Hawaii with his girlfriend and leaving my family to babysit his house [there is another story there but I won’t go into that part until maybe later in this narration]. Anyway, the plan was for me to meet them at the company parking lot; park my car and then accompany those two lovebirds to San Francisco airport and then drive his car [truck actually] back to work where I would leave it until their return.  I would then be able to use my car to drive home.

We thought this was a good plan and only had to agree upon the time to meet. This was long before the current Terrorist procedures, so getting to the airport one hour before the flight was way more than required. Since their flight was set for 7:20 AM and it took about an hour to drive from Sunnyvale to the San Francisco airport, we decided to meet at 5:00 AM to make sure that the traffic heading north on a workday would hopefully ensure our on-time arrival. The flight was set for Friday morning so all day Thursday, co-workers who had been in California longer than I had kept stopping by to give me (and then Dan) their suggestions about our planned agenda. Since I do not know where most of the Signetics’ employees that comprise this story are these days, I will not name them (other than their first name). I do know that one of my friends from that time, in fact the guy who named the FAAS, Al “Boris” Morris, is now deceased and those of you who knew him realize what a comedic talent the world is missing now due to his passing. Al became known as “Boris” while long before the FAAS was established, but that particular dubbing is a story into itself and I will not divulge those details in this MAAS.

Anyway, the first to put the fear of traffic into both Dan and I was Frank "Wrong Way" [last name omitted]. I must pause for a second here to explain that due this particular, convoluted route of his, Frank was dubbed, by yours truly, with the moniker “Wrong Way”. Frank told us that our plan was so full of holes we would probably arrive at least an hour after the plane’s departure. He professed to be a maven of the US-101 Expressway North route we planned to take [mainly because the airport was right on 101 about 10 miles south of the city of San Francisco] and his unique knowledge told him we could not travel by car via that route and make it on time. First he said we needed to meet an hour earlier and then we should travel only as far north as Fremont using US-880 Expressway North where I should then drop Dan and his honey [name withheld due to personal reasons] at the Amtrak station where they could take the train right into the airport. “Only the train will get you there on time”. Dan and I dismissed this idea as adding too much mileage to the trip since US-880 took us on the wrong side of the bay and Amtrak itself did not offer the most reliable mode of transportation since the Government, thanks to “Tricky” Dick Nixon and Congress, established it in 1971.

The next person who offered us travel advice was Todd “The Hunk” [last name omitted]. He was given the nickname “The Hunk” because he was a dead ringer for Christopher Reeve’s “Clark Kent” persona in the move “Superman”. Now Todd agreed with Frank that we could never reach the San Francisco airport on a Friday morning, but he also agreed that taking Amtrak was a bad idea. His suggestion was to take US-880 North but his idea was to go as far north as CA-92 west and there cross the San Francisco Bay to US-101 North. “The Hunk” said he always avoided traveling on the “101 Parking Lot” as much as possible. Dan and I considered his suggestion but again felt that the added mileage would only extend the length of the trip and we also dismissed this suggestion because of that and the fact that we had heard that sometimes US-880 could also be dubbed the “Parking Lot”

The last suggestion was donated by good old Al “Boris” Morris. He also denounced the ability of US-101 as well as US-880 “♪To get us to the Church on time♫” and promised us our only alternative was to take I-280 North to San Carlos and then CA-92 East to US-101 North and then up to the airport. He told us he had often taken this route and had never been late to the airport. Of course, when pressed, he admitted he had only taken that trip once, but insisted it was our only viable choice. Again, Dan and I discussed this seemingly ridiculous path and decided that it too added needless, extra mileage and Dan stated the CA-92 east and west were many times shut down for hours as a time due to various reasons.

That day after work, Sylvia, Dan and I met at the Moria Inn, the local, nearby watering hole, to discuss the next morning’s trek. After a pitcher of beer, we decided that out original plan was the bet. It was a straight shot and the shortest route. Besides, I had traveled it many times and had fewer problems with the way than traveling on 880 or 280. The only alteration we made to our plans was to set our departure time an hour earlier, so we decided to meet in the Signetics’ parking lot at the ridiculously early time of 4:00 AM. This was the same time we had met to travel to the Oakland train station (via I-880) when we had taken the fun train to Reno and at that time we had two hours to kill in the train station before the 6:00 AM departure time; and another hour and a half it took the wonderful scheduling Amtrak organization to get the outbound trains ready to roll out to by 7:30 AM. This was one reason why we did not trust Amtrak. More on this Fun Train trip in another MAAS and the conclusion of this story next week.

Next week's 10-18-2010 (#163) title: The trip and the story itself

Monday, October 4, 2010

Progressives go too far ***CORRECTED

Somehow I showed a picture of a woman who was horrified at what the Agony Aunt was saying instead of the actual perpetrator of the disgusting verbiage. I will replace the incorrect picture with an actual video so you can hear her for yourself. I apologize for the error

Here's a video that caused all kinds of  horror and revolution in the UK(and now here as well) that is supposed to be promoting "Cap and Trade" [or as I identify it "Crap & Tax "or nothing but "Smoke & Mirrors" without the mirrors]. Caution, this video contains extremely disgusting and disturbing images:

Another repugnant, repulsive and totally obscene piece of propaganda being vomited out of the extreme far left can be viewed by visiting this link or you can see and hear for yourself as this woman, Virginia Ironside one of Britain's "Agony Aunts", spews her disgusting venom.

I thank Glenn Beck for showing this to me and as a follower of his TV/Radio shows, I am attempting to provide this data to everyone I possibly can. Together we can make a difference and hopefully put an end to this blatant propaganda to support murder of children, as the Agony Aunt, and the lie of president Obama's push for Crap & Tax so that his supporters of Carbon Trade (as Al Gore, the Clinton's & George Soros, etc.) can make billions of dollars selling smoke.

Monday Attitude Adjustment Story

Paul’s Trips to Mass
I think it is time to give poor Sylvia a break and pick on some other family members. Why do I think that my MAAS stories need a new, fresh outlook? Well, for one thing it is getting very chilly in my bedroom and for the second, my arm is almost twisted up to the top of my ear and it’s beginning to hurt Ssssweet HEART! Therefore, I will be relating some recent events surrounding my son Paul and my Brother-in-law Julian. Forgive me guys but the pain is just too unbearable not to pick on someone else and you two are it for this week. Now you need to understand that Julian attends the Mass Service held 4:00 PM on Saturdays at St Anthony’s Catholic Church. He used to attend services at Sacred Heart Catholic Church for years until they closed it down not too long ago. Sacred Heart was attended regularly by the entire Bank family for years (with the possible exception of Joe Bank, the Patriarch). Joe did attend the high-lights of the church year, like Christmas and Easter and many believe that if he had attended on some non-significant Sunday, for example, it would probably have been shut down earlier due to the lightning bolt strikes on its roof.

When Julian first picked up Paul for a trip to church, I thought it was extremely thoughtful and kind of him to drive his nephew to church. However, the more this “heart-felt’ activity occurred, the more I came to believe that this was not so much an act of kindness but more like a case of kidnapping. Why do I make this claim? It is easy…you see services, as I motioned earlier, are held at 4:00 PM Saturday afternoons and Julian always arrives sometime around…3:00 AM…Thursday morning to pick Paul up. Oh, to digress for a moment, Julian, where did you buy those chains, handcuffs and leg irons and how much did they cost? I have a Son and Grandson that need to be shackled together and I was hoping to get a discount. Call me when you get a chance, okay? Anyway, getting back to my narration, I could understand Julian wanting to get to church early to either secure a front or back row pew, but when I questioned Paul on this subject, he answered “No, we sit somewhere in the middle”. Now this only confirms my abduction theory; you see, once enough people start filling up the church from the rear, normal church primo pew selection, Julian can safely release Paul’s bonds without fear of his escape because too many worshippers could see him fleeing from the day’s sermon and that would be too embarrassing to bear.

By the time that the service is over, there can be no question of escape since my son’s only thought is to get out of those hard, uncomfortable seats and home in time for lunch. Julian and Paul must not have the same luck as I did attending church, before my college days, since I was never in a hurry to go home. In fact I can’t tell you how many times I informed my parents that I had a ride home with either Chief Tatum, whose jurisdiction covered the entire Everglades was also a parent to a frisky, well endowed daughter; or the Music Director, who lived in Broward country and was the proud father of beautiful, agile twin daughters; or any of the myriad Deacons of the church, but only the ones who had good looking, lonely daughters (Mom never caught on but I think Dad did); ostensibly to help them out with some task or church related function. Actually, on second thought, I could tell you but I think I’ll save these stories for future MAAS’s. Or maybe it was just that the Southern Baptist bred hotter, more pliable women than Northeast Ohio Catholics did.

Anyway, the trips “home” always end up the same way…with a long layover at the lair of Julian’s Mother, or as I like to refer to her “the Best Mother-in-law I have”, Rosa B, the human cooking, baking and dessert offering machine. Seems like all those old-country style mothers & grandmothers are the same (mine too except Rosa B never tells me that I am “Too Fat” before plying me with a quarter ton of vittles like my mother does). Considering that Paul was taken to church by his Uncle he has no way to get home until Julian is ready to take him home, but since Rose always fills him up with culinary delights, he is never in any hurry to go home anyway. As I write this MAAS, I just figured out why Sylvia never offers to pick him up either…he always comes back with a sh*t-load of food. Paul must get his smart genes from Sylvia.

Next week's 10-11-2010 (#162) title: TBD