Monday, October 4, 2010

Monday Attitude Adjustment Story

Paul’s Trips to Mass
I think it is time to give poor Sylvia a break and pick on some other family members. Why do I think that my MAAS stories need a new, fresh outlook? Well, for one thing it is getting very chilly in my bedroom and for the second, my arm is almost twisted up to the top of my ear and it’s beginning to hurt Ssssweet HEART! Therefore, I will be relating some recent events surrounding my son Paul and my Brother-in-law Julian. Forgive me guys but the pain is just too unbearable not to pick on someone else and you two are it for this week. Now you need to understand that Julian attends the Mass Service held 4:00 PM on Saturdays at St Anthony’s Catholic Church. He used to attend services at Sacred Heart Catholic Church for years until they closed it down not too long ago. Sacred Heart was attended regularly by the entire Bank family for years (with the possible exception of Joe Bank, the Patriarch). Joe did attend the high-lights of the church year, like Christmas and Easter and many believe that if he had attended on some non-significant Sunday, for example, it would probably have been shut down earlier due to the lightning bolt strikes on its roof.

When Julian first picked up Paul for a trip to church, I thought it was extremely thoughtful and kind of him to drive his nephew to church. However, the more this “heart-felt’ activity occurred, the more I came to believe that this was not so much an act of kindness but more like a case of kidnapping. Why do I make this claim? It is easy…you see services, as I motioned earlier, are held at 4:00 PM Saturday afternoons and Julian always arrives sometime around…3:00 AM…Thursday morning to pick Paul up. Oh, to digress for a moment, Julian, where did you buy those chains, handcuffs and leg irons and how much did they cost? I have a Son and Grandson that need to be shackled together and I was hoping to get a discount. Call me when you get a chance, okay? Anyway, getting back to my narration, I could understand Julian wanting to get to church early to either secure a front or back row pew, but when I questioned Paul on this subject, he answered “No, we sit somewhere in the middle”. Now this only confirms my abduction theory; you see, once enough people start filling up the church from the rear, normal church primo pew selection, Julian can safely release Paul’s bonds without fear of his escape because too many worshippers could see him fleeing from the day’s sermon and that would be too embarrassing to bear.

By the time that the service is over, there can be no question of escape since my son’s only thought is to get out of those hard, uncomfortable seats and home in time for lunch. Julian and Paul must not have the same luck as I did attending church, before my college days, since I was never in a hurry to go home. In fact I can’t tell you how many times I informed my parents that I had a ride home with either Chief Tatum, whose jurisdiction covered the entire Everglades was also a parent to a frisky, well endowed daughter; or the Music Director, who lived in Broward country and was the proud father of beautiful, agile twin daughters; or any of the myriad Deacons of the church, but only the ones who had good looking, lonely daughters (Mom never caught on but I think Dad did); ostensibly to help them out with some task or church related function. Actually, on second thought, I could tell you but I think I’ll save these stories for future MAAS’s. Or maybe it was just that the Southern Baptist bred hotter, more pliable women than Northeast Ohio Catholics did.

Anyway, the trips “home” always end up the same way…with a long layover at the lair of Julian’s Mother, or as I like to refer to her “the Best Mother-in-law I have”, Rosa B, the human cooking, baking and dessert offering machine. Seems like all those old-country style mothers & grandmothers are the same (mine too except Rosa B never tells me that I am “Too Fat” before plying me with a quarter ton of vittles like my mother does). Considering that Paul was taken to church by his Uncle he has no way to get home until Julian is ready to take him home, but since Rose always fills him up with culinary delights, he is never in any hurry to go home anyway. As I write this MAAS, I just figured out why Sylvia never offers to pick him up either…he always comes back with a sh*t-load of food. Paul must get his smart genes from Sylvia.

Next week's 10-11-2010 (#162) title: TBD

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