Sunday, August 8, 2010
Moday Attitude Adjustment Story #153
My week so far
Well, the week sure started out okay…Found out Monday that the catheter ablation seems to have permanently corrected my irregular heart beat. When they listen to it now it sounds like a normal, boring “lub-dub lub-dub lub-dub lub-dub” and not like a medley rendition of The Syncopated Clock, Summertime, The William Tell Overture and Song of the Volga Boatmen. For those not old enough to know what I am talking about just follow the links to the YouTube renditions. On Tuesday I am supposed to find out from my Doctor if I can stop taking the massive doses of blood thinner that had been required to ensure no blood clots would form in my vacillating ventricle. I’ll have to continue my story when I find out and Oh yeah, the best part of my check-up was the question as to what affect sexual activity would have on me and the Nurse stared Sylvia right in the eye and said “…anyway; any place and any time just do it”. I thought I was in a Nike commercial except that Tiger Woods didn’t poke his head in on us. I got down on my knees and kissed the woman’s feet blubbering “Thank you; Oh dear Lord, thank you!’ Actually I am exaggerating a little here, but I know that I was the only man in the world who asked for sexual relations with his wife and was told, “No. Not tonight YOU have a headache”. I won’t say how long we have waited “Due to my condition” but if I don’t have to waste time scraping her off the ceiling, I may report on that too…if I can stop skipping and singing Oh What a Beautiful Morning that is.
I am now continuing this Blog on Tuesday morning and the first thing I want to do is to ask the Buckeye members of my reading audience if they read about the UFO sighting (or perhaps personally witnessed it ) that was reported throughout the entire state of Ohio Monday night? Well, I’m sorry to report that was NOT Sylvia skipping the light fantastic among the cumulus. No, she did not tell me that I had a headache nor did she refuse me at all. Our problems were myriad and unfortunately we spent more time laughing at each other than re-consummating our marriage. First we tried the woman on top position and found that although it was working for me, we discovered that to continue that way, Sylvia would require a back brace, knee pads, massive doses of painkillers and a special saddle to stay on (she kept slipping off to her left). We finally gave up on that option and I announced (much to her relief) that I was going to get on top…which was our only other choice. Hey, we weren’t attempting to follow the Kama Sutra here you know. Anyway I did manage to get on top but can you picture Jabba the Hut mounting Princess Leia? (I know that’s disgusting and when I first saw Star Wars III, I just could not do so myself) But, back to our story…by the time I finally got into position I discovered that we were actually too far apart to make any kind of physical contact with the required bodily parts for sex. Of course Sylvia laughing her butt off kind of put me out of the mood anyway and since I need to lose weight, I suppose I should have been the one to accomplish that particular feat. But take heart all you MAAS readers, my dear wife, when she could catch her breath long enough to breathe again, assured me we would try again, so I will continue to keep you posted on our weekly progress.
Okay it is now Thursday morning and still no attempt to “Re-connect” so to speak. I can’t blame my poor, squashed wife for wanting to wait until her body snaps back into shape. Hey, how would you feel being crushed under 360 lbs of dead weight? This morning Sylvia was stirring and looking like she was trying to get off my hospital bed in the raised position (top & bottom) by sliding down to the foot of the bed. Since I didn’t want her to injure herself any further, I lowered the bed and got off so she could easily slide of the side. After she returned from the facilities and I had taken my turn, she sat up, looked at me and stated “I think I’ll go sleep on the coach”. I asked her why and she replied. “Because the side bars on this bed are digging into my back.” It was early enough that I just decided to get up and told her to move into the middle of the bed. I told her that I had to fix the mattress so that the side bars would not dig into her back. She then asked me “…am I the problem? Am I scrunching you too much?” The reason I tell you all of this is because after she got up for the day, I asked if she felt better now that she got some sleep and she asked me, “Why, was I restless last night?” She remembered NONE of our early morning conversation; point being she was making excuses for not “Sleeping” with me even in her SLEEP! Of course I am not entirely innocent in this matter…I could just remove the side-bars but then how would I keep her trapped in bed? Hope tonight brings better results…keep your fingers crossed.
Friday morning…No, nothing new to report dammit so quit bugging me about it…In fact, I don’t even know if I want to report on anything more for the rest of this week or not, so all you sadists will just have to suffer if I don’t. Humpft!
Late Friday/early Saturday: Wonderful even to report…no, we did not make love, but my son Paul and my granddaughter Tyler just arrived from the West Coast. A blessed event; how can I thank you God? Just imagine two more pair s of super sensitive ears to cramp my style. I already have to put up with my grandson Stephen saying things like “Grandpa you are such a pervert; leave grandma alone” and “What are you doing in there? I can hear your bones splintering”. And just think of the joy that hearing my adoring wife whispering sweetly into my ear, “Stop it. Are you crazy? The kids might hear!” I’m going back to bed now; the future is looking dim.
Shut up Phantom and Jugs it’s Saturday now and it’s definitely NOT funny. Oh yeah? Well you can kiss my rosy red…
Next week's 08-16-2010 (#154) title: TBD