Saturday, August 21, 2010

Monday Attitude Adjustment Story #155

Good news week

Well, I got the call I was waiting for from my Heart Doctors; I have two…ain’t I the lucky one. Both called to inform me that the results from the 48 hour halter I wore (no not for boobs even though I look like I need one; it was to hold a heart monitoring device) indicated that my heart was beating like a normal human being’s heart (just damn lucky it didn’t hold anything to monitor my brain waves) and therefore, I could stop taking the blood thinning pills. I informed my regular doctor, since he complains that none of the specialists ever inform him, and asked him if I could see an orthopedic surgeon about a knee replacement now that I don’t have to worry so much about internal bleeding from falling. He thanked me for keeping him abreast (another sleazy halter brassiere reference) of my medical situation and said it was good that I requested to see a specialist now…you know, before Obamacare has a chance to become fully implemented. When I questioned his reasoning with a few facts about Obamacare: namely it will actually provide seniors, like me , with more options and better care at reduced prices, he responded to my lecture with a question. He asked if I would be interested in acquiring stock in a certain Arizona bridge project being proffered by a New York funded outfit in Brooklyn. I pooh-poohed his attitude and asked him for explicit examples to explain this wayward thinking.

“Well,” he said, “consider your cardioversion. Now I know that Medicare patients can still have this procedure performed and the fact of the matter is that under Obamacare the cost has been radically reduced but, lucky for you, that part of the plan does not kick in for another couple of years.”

So I asked what the problem was and he answered by detailing the new cost cutting procedure; “First of all, any licensed or unlicensed, active or suspended MD or DO; Witch Doctor; Chiropractor; Registered or Non-registered Nurse; Any PhD; Chinese Needle practitioner or Water torturer; Practical Nurse or Practical Joker will be authorized to perform the cardioversion. Fact is,” he added, “no specialist will have to waste their time with this kind of thing leaving more heart specialists and surgeons available to provide coverage for real cardiac patients…like Congressmen, Senators and other government officials.” I then asked other than the qualification of the practitioner what else he found wrong with the new procedure and he replied, “The new procedure,documented by Article 137A; Section 69; Sub-Section 87C; Paragraph 1327; Sub-Paragraph 18c-e; stroke 1392.

The cardioversion will consist of the following items:
• a standard 110 volt wall socket
• one metal bobby pin, fake $1000 bill (if the Treasury Department cannot supply this item from their stash of counterfeit money, the Federal Reserve Bank is authorized to release part of their money supply)
• a chalk board

The procedure will be self-inflicted and implemented by following the steps documented below:
1. Locate any wall socket (closer to the morgue the better) and cover openings with fake $1000 bill (if the Treasury Department cannot supply this item, the Federal Reserve Bank is authorized to release part of their money supply)
2. Make sure any and all reusable parts (such as gold teeth and clothing) are removed from vic…er…patient
3. Situate chalk board behind a protected, walled section
4. Place person witnessing exec…er…procedure next to chalk board to record events as they occur
5. Put metal bobby pin in patient’s hand explaining that if they retrieve the bill within 30 seconds it will be theirs
6. Run out of room like a bat out of hell"

I asked what would be done with the electric paddles that were no longer being used. “According to the manual” he said “they can now be used in emergency procedures for clientele that are actually more deserving to save from cardiovascular problems like Congressmen, Senators and other government officials. I stated how awful that was and he said it could be worse. When I asked how he said, “Cap and Trade” could be implemented before your procedure and they could shut the power off just when it was needed for saving the Congressmen, Senators or other government officials.

“Would you like to hear how they plan on improving the catheter ablation procedure you just went through?” Although I replied in the negative he seemed to enjoy seeing the pain he was inflicting upon me and ignored my response, “The description for this is covered in the same general area of the Obamacare manual and it identifies the following components:
1. Wire scrounged from all discarded Japanese brake control wiring components
2. Any old transistor/automotive/boom box radio
3. Any available pocketknife or, if none is available, a rusty government surplus bayonet

I begged for him to stop screaming that I couldn’t take anymore and he agreed not to proceed any further with the description of the new catheter ablation procedure description except to articulate that the same requirements applied to the medico performing this operation as were described under cardioversion. Thanking him for the referral for my knee replacement, a sh*t-eating grin spread across his face as he asked, “Would you like to hear the details of the new procedure defined under Obamacare for knee replacement surgery?”

I answered by screaming at him, “No…for the love of God no, don’t tell me, my heart has just been restored to normal and you have strained it to the breaking point with changes to the descriptions of procedures I have successfully survived and now you want to put me into cardiac arrest with a sordid description of a procedure I have yet to experience? Hell no…shut up!”

Next week's 08-30-2010 (#156) title: TBD if my heart holds up

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