Sunday, June 27, 2010

Monday Attitude Adjustment Story # 147

Miscellaneous Catch up Stories #1
I must update a few things for you to set the stage for future MAAS stories (and to ensure they make sense). For my first update I will have to discuss my three Brothers’ attempt to form some kind of depraved “Disabled Super Heroes Crime Fighting Club”. Consider my Brother Van,
who appears to be devoid of any, obvious maladies that afflict the rest of us, until he regales you with his rendering of that old Kirk Douglas classic song from Walt Disney’s 20,000 Leagues under the Sea; “Got a whahe of a tahe to tehh you wads…” and then you realize he is perfect for the “Elmer Fudd as the leader” role. Of course for him to serve in this capacity, I must necessarily relinquish all my elder brother privileges, but that actually amounts to nothing for this particular group. Now there is a leader for this conglomeration, so we must concentrate on adding the actual, working participants.

As those of you who know my youngest brother Bill might be aware of, he is aiming for the “Man in the Waffle Mask” opening…if you have seen his recent Head gear. In case you missed it, here is it:.I personally believe he is a shoo-in as long as he keeps sending us Loooong View pictures of himself to make sure we can’t detect the tube shoved down his throat he must wear at all times. No, it is not due to the re-missive cancer but as I warned him against, “Bill, whatever you do, do NOT piss off your doctor”. Of course he listened to my advice, as he always did as a kid, and told me to “Pound sand where the sun doesn't shine, bro”.

The next Brother attempting to “Break” into the club (sorry for the pun but you know how I adore them) was my middle of the pack brother Grant. I believe he was practicing for the “Commander Kangaroo” slot by constantly leaping into his chair on one leg. He is now lying on his bed with a cast up to his crotch, so he will probably be appointed to the “Now I have to work in a bed, on a laptop” group sub-heading. He requested that his Brother Paul (me), along with his youngest son Ryan, father to Paul’s Grandson, Stephen, be included into the group to establish his own personal “Nerd Herd” posse. However, I am here to tell you that only I, the oldest sibling of the Helen and William Garber brood of four, am the only qualified member of a herd of any kind…If you restrict membership, as it is, to the calculated tonnage of beef “on the Hoof “.

Finally, I know that my youngest sister (in the sibling sense) Elena, will be chomping at the bit to enroll in this “Band of Brooders” group. But I am afraid Little Sis, that you do not possess any of the required deformities to be inducted into this “Hall of Shame”. Sorry, but you still have time. Unlike the rest of us old farts, you still have the best years of your life ahead. Unless, of course, you decide to take any of the paths that were chosen by your idiot Garber brothers. Give Beverly, Corrine, Lauren & the soon to be delivered little Lauren our love.

Next week's 07-05-2010 (#148) title: Miscellaneous Catch up Stories #2

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